Poop

Kathryn Porter
May 17, 2017
4 min read

Parenting and poop. Poop and parenting. Who knew they would be so intertwined.

Annie, some day this will totally embarrass you, but you've been constipated. And all of a sudden my life revolves around you pooping. Getting you to poop. Watching you try to poop (saddest thing ever!). Feeding you things to make you poop. Looking at your poop.

Belated disclaimer--this post could be gross. But welcome to parenting. Bodily fluids are your new norm.

It all started in the hospital, postpartum, when I was TERRIFIED to poop. I mean deathly afraid of anything solid causing any pressure down there. Is there a phobia of pooping? Turns out there is (thanks Google)--Coprophobia. It's a real issue when your "down under" is under construction. Keep downing the dried apricots and ExLax, girl, because you are about to pass what feels like your baby's twin.

Is there a phobia for fear of your child's poop? Nevermind.

The Squatty Potty and PooPourri have glamorized pooping. But I'm not fooled. It still stinks. On so many levels. Pun absolutely intended. And once your baby starts solids...you'll know exactly what I'm talking about.

Will someone please invent a baby Squatty Potty? Or PooPourii Diapers?

Asking for a friend...

I mean, we all knew diaper changes would be plenteous...but I don't think I was able to comprehend what that would really look like...or smell like. From that first tar-like meconium explosion, to the initial "sweet" poops of breast milk, to the stinkers of pureed carrots and peas...poop is now a larger part of my life than I ever imagined. Being pooped on is like an old inside joke--"Oh yeah, remember when she pooped on me?" Extra clothes are stashed in the diaper bag, car, random cupboards (for baby AND mama). Blow-out has a totally new meaning.

As a parent you suddenly have all sorts of poop concerns that you never worried about before. And all kinds of poop conversations that you never would have degraded yourself to before.

"How's Baby?"

"Oh, she's constipated."

Girl--that is NOT what they were asking! And it's only the beginning of what has suddenly become "normal" conversation:

"She has diarrhea...what can we give her to stop her up? Well when I'm leaky..." ew.

"She hasn't pooped in three days...force feed the prunes!!"

"Has YOUR baby ever been constipated? Tell me EVERYTHING"

"Her poops are looking a little lumpy/grainy/sticky..." ok I'll stop now

"Oh! Did you just do a little poopsie?? Good Job baby!"

and of course:

"SHE POOPED! HOORAY" -(Literally a phone call to Scott when he was at work. That was the entire purpose of the phone call.)

What has become of us?

Savor this time, Annie. It's the only era of life when your bodily functions can be publicly discussed and celebrated.

More than just adding a little pizazz to our everyday conversations, I was surprised to find that poop provides almost a daily moral dilemma in my life. Here are some moral questions for your next Ethical Behavior quiz:

"Do I change her now or do I let her diaper fill up a little more?" Don't judge. Diapers are expensive.

"Do I leave her alone for a few minutes while I go relieve myself...or do I hold it. For another 4 hours..."

"Should I use the toilet while holding my baby? Is that sanitary??"

"Let her play on the bathroom floor while I go...or strap her in to her straight jacket, I mean, car seat?"

"Do I let her sit in her stinky diaper...until my husband comes home?"

"She just pooped all over herself...give her a bath....? Nah just wipe her down with a few extra wipes."

"Do I change her before the babysitter comes?... Heh heh heh NOOO - that's what we're paying her for!"

(JK I would never do this to you, you would totally love babysitting my angel child who only poops pink bunnies and rainbows)

"I just put her down for a nap...or even worse...for BED! Can a baby get sick from sitting in their own feces for too long?"

Am I a terrible mom? Don't answer that question.

Just a little light reading while on the Loo.

I literally cannot change her without her being distracted. Wrestling matches happen.

You know, maybe I should be grateful. Grateful I'm far enough into this parenthood thing that poop is no longer a taboo subject. Maybe grateful isn't the right word...liberated? Nah. Old? Hah, maybe. Hey, I can say the word "poop" now without feeling like my mother is going to excuse me from the table. Because hey--we ALL do it! Every day! Except for Annie. Poor little thing. You'll get there eventually.

I guess what I'm trying to get out of this tirade is...I don't know. Validation? Or maybe just venting. Commiserate with me for a little bit here mamas! Pooping happens. A lot. And if you're a mama you know it's only the beginning.

Ahhhh, POOP!

If you have any great mommy/baby poop stories. PLEASE. do share.

I can't be the only one!