Of Faith and Fear
- Kathryn Porter
- Apr 15, 2017
- 6 min read
This has been on my heart and mind for a while. Like from the day I found out I was pregnant and the first seeds of uneasiness were planted in my heart. Fear. Worry. Anxiety. Will she make it? Don't be anxious, Kathryn, it's not good for the baby. Is she still moving in there? Waiting with baited breath to hear the heartbeat. Oh good...she's still alive.
And now she's here and gloriously, perfectly wonderful. She's everything to me. And still I find myself battling with the same feelings, only 10X more intense this time. Is she still breathing? What if I stumble and she goes flying over the edge? What if she chokes when I'm not looking? What if we get in a car accident? What if she gets REALLY sick, or life-alteringly hurt, or even...I can hardly write the word...dies? What if? What if? What if? My heart clenches in anxiety even as I write this.
I don't mean to be melodramatic, I'm being honest. All my life I've been blessed with a sunny disposition and generally positive outlook. I have optimistic parents, happy genes, and-more than anything-faith in a very real and present God to thank for that. And while I have experienced my own flavors of hard times, scary moments, and disappointments, I have never dealt with feelings of anxiety and fear like I have since becoming a mom.
And now I'm afraid.
...What IF?
Logically I know it does me no good to fret over something that hasn't happened yet. But when I look at my little girl I see my greatest joy and greatest fear wrapped up in one angelic little package. There are stories I cannot hear, movies I will not watch, pictures I never wish to view because I know that my fearful heart cannot take it. What if it--whatever it is--happened to her?
When I became aware of how truly irrational I was feeling about future dangers and heartache, I realized that I was allowing myself to be ruled by fear rather than faith. How was that so when I've been building my life on a foundation of faith in Jesus Christ for as long as I can remember? I prayed, as the aching father in Mark 9:17-24 "Help thou my unbelief!" And I prayed for peace.
I think I hoped that the answer to my prayers would be some sort of peaceful confirmation that everything would be alright--Annie would live to a ripe old age, and all of my children would live happy, fulfilling lives. As you can guess, no such confirmation came. Are we not told that "in this world ye shall have tribulation"(John 16:33)? Are we not here on earth to "walk by faith, not by sight" 1 Corin. 2:7)? And isn't faith a "HOPE for things which are not seen, which are true"(Alma 32:21)?
There's a story in the Old Testament about three young men whose faith was challenged head-on. In an effort to obey God's commandments, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego refused to worship a golden image, the punishment of which was death in a terrifying, blazing, firey furnace. The king found out and demanded that they comply, "Or ELSE!"--not a direct quote but you get the idea. The response of these three faithful and faith-FILLED men is astonishing:
"If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of thine hand, O king. But if not, be it known unto thee, O king, that we will not serve thy gods, nor worship the golden image which thou hast set up."
Basically they said--"We KNOW God CAN deliver us, BUT IF NOT, we will remain faithful to Him." They said this in the face of certain horrific death. Such faith! The outcome of this story is that they were not delivered...well, not at first...they were thrown into the fiery furnace as promised. And then, the miracle came. The last-minute deliverance. They walked amidst the flames unhurt, and the only thing that burned was the cords that bound their hands. How perfectly fitting.
"But if not...".
Faith regardless of fate. Hope despite the heartache. Peace in the midst of the possible pain, disappointment, and death. True faith is not focused on a certain outcome. It is focused on Jesus Christ. So it is with peace. "Peace I leave with you, MY peace I gov unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid" (John 14:27). HIS peace does not come from an assurance of the future. HIS peace comes from Him. Faith in Him. Hope because of Him.
Peace amidst the fire IS possible because of the Prince of Peace. As I've prayed for faith and peace, soft, quiet answers have come. They've come as reminders of moments when He's comforted, healed, and rescued me before. They've come as I remember Christ's constant message to "Fear not" (D&C 6:36 Luke 12:32 D&C 6:34 D&C 50:41). As I've felt Christ's love, for "perfect love casteth out all fear." (1 John 4:18) As I remember His promises--that I can be of good cheer because "I am in your midst," "I will lead you along," and "I have overcome the world." (D&C 61:36 D&C 78:18 John 16:33). As I've felt His spirit, the Comforter has spoken peace to my heart and reminded me of Christ's words: "I will not leave you comfortless, I will come to you" (John 14:18) Messages at church and General Conference have been God's messages to me:
"I don’t believe God wants His children to be fearful or dwell on the evils of the world. “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” He has given us an abundance of reasons to rejoice. We just need to find and to recognize them...
We are, therefore, not ignorant of the challenges of the world, nor are we unaware of the difficulties of our times. But this does not mean that we should burden ourselves or others with constant fear. Rather than dwelling on the immensity of our challenges, would it not be better to focus on the infinite greatness, goodness, and absolute power of our God, trusting Him and preparing with a joyful heart for the return of Jesus the Christ?
~Deiter F. Uchtdorf, Perfect Love Casteth Out Fear
Nailed it President Uchtdorf!
I'm also inspired by many who have endured the very trials I fear, and have done so with incredible faith. Some of those inspiring people are you. Your faith and peace bolsters my faith and speaks peace to my heart. This story about Kristin is one such example. Faith in Jesus Christ brings PEACE.
Remember Sadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego who survived the fiery furnace? Not only did they have faith regardless of their fate, not only were they released from the cords that bound them, they also were never alone through the entire ordeal. As they walked amidst the roaring flames the onlookers saw a fourth man, whose "form...[was] like the Son of God." Jesus Christ walked with them through their fire and trial of faith.
Even so, He walks with me. Now, and through whatever fires I may ever encounter.
My faith is not perfect. I still worry...but I do not doubt. Because while I don't know what will happen, I do know that Christ lives, HE paid for EVERYTHING, and because of Him all wrongs will one day be made right.
On this Easter weekend I add my voice to the many who are speaking and singing His praises. HE is my hope and my peace. The words from the Hymn "It is Well with My Soul" have become my own:
Lord haste the day when my faith shall be sight
The sky be rolled back like a scroll
The trumpet shall sound
And the Lord shall descend
EVEN SO, It is well with my soul.
One day my faith will be sight. We will all have a chance to stand before Him and know with a perfect knowledge that He is real and because of Him all is truly well. That day is not today, but EVEN SO, it is well with my soul.
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