Confessions of a Spoiling Mom

It's taken me five days to write this post because I've been living it. Is Annie crying because she's sick? Or spoiled? Teething? Or spoiled? Going through a mommy phase, growth spurt, bad hair day? Or SPOILED? I've been daily, hourly attending to my baby and weighing out the age-old question: Am I spoiling my baby?

Nobody wants to be the parent of a Dudley Dursley or Veruca Salt. No one wants to be "THAT PARENT" with "bad egg" children. But when does it start? And how did I so subtly and subconsciously become THAT kind of parent?

The struggle is real. If you are like me you probably thought: "I'd never spoil my kid, buy them whatever they want, pick them up the second they get fussy, hold them constantly, use food to calm them down, turn on a show to distract them, let them sleep in my bed...NEVER!! My kid will NOT be spoiled!"

Well, SPOILER ALERT! Life happens. And spoiling happens. Maybe not for you. Maybe you have more of a backbone than I do, because...newsflash to self...apparently I DON'T HAVE ONE! It's like one day I woke up and realized my child was, maybe, SPOILED. Granted that realization did come at 2:30 in the morning, after I rushed to my wailing baby's bedside, and fed her because I was too exhausted to fight it this time, and then let her fall asleep with me because it was either that or DIE! I laid there in the soft bed with her tiny, warm, satisfied body snuggled up to me and dreamily wondered to myself: "Am I spoiling her?"

YA THINK!?

I didn't realize how much GUILT was involved with parenting. I hear her cry or see her distressed and feel so guilty if I don't act. Logically I KNOW she's ok but my reaction is the furthest thing from logical. There's this strange force within me that has melted my backbone and made me an absolute pushover. Ruled by a 7-month old. All I know is she needs me, and when she's happy all is right in the world.

How could you say no to THAT face!?

So yes I have a guilty conscious and yes I am a pushover but I honestly wonder--Am I spoiling my baby?!? Can babies even be spoiled? Isn't it impossible to be overly attentive to a baby? When does that change? And where oh where is that fine line between being a good attentive mom to a trusting babe, and being the crazy helicopter mom of a spoiled brat?

Fortunately there is some research out there. I'm not going to pretend to be a baby expert (I'm the rookie here!), so if you want to hear from the experts check out the links at the bottom of the page. And while there's rarely a "one-size-fits-all" answer in parenting -- every baby and circumstance is different -- I did find some Take-Aways that resonated with me.

1. Un-spoilable Babies

Up until about 6-8 Months babies CANNOT be spoiled! Victory Point for the Spoilers! In fact, it's actually beneficial for infants to receive as much attention as possible. According to researchers from the University of Minnesota, infants (younger than 6-8 months) who have been cared for by responsive and quickly attentive parents actually cry less than babies who are left to cry, and then go on to become more independent toddlers (1). Baby is learning to trust you, learning that the world is a caring place, and learning that he or she can communicate his or her needs and receive a response.

TAKE-AWAY: Stop judgin' and show a little extra lovin'

But what about after 6-8 months? Am I supposed to turn into a cold-hearted Abominable Snowmom?

2. Responding is not (always) Spoiling

No baby deserves an Abominable Snomom! Responding and spoiling are not necessarily the same thing. Crying is communicating! So let your baby communicate and then communicate back. Respond. Like an affectionate Siri. With really good WIFI.

Remember though that around 6-8 months babies begin to develop what is called "Social Referencing"--meaning that they can read your expressions and are learning how to behave accordingly (2). AKA baby may start learning how to work the system...the gateway for Spolied-Rotten Syndrome. Victory Point for the Anti-Spoilers--it CAN happen! Here's one example from those smart scientific Minnesota people:

"It’s also important to keep in mind that 'responding' doesn’t only mean big responses like feeding or taking your baby to bed with you. In fact, if that were the only way you responded to your baby’s cries, your baby might become “spoiled” in a way, having learned that the only way to be comforted is to be fed or to go to bed with Mom or Dad. " (1)

Point taken Minnesota. I'll do better, I promise.

TAKE AWAY: RESPOND, don't Spoil!

"Save me from my crib, Mommy!"

AKA "Pick me up, snuggle me, and you could even feed me if you're up for it. I'm down!"

3.Find Another Way to Respond

You're the mom so at this point you probably know the difference between the "I'm hungry" cry, "I'm hurting" cry, and "I'm bored." So (Kathryn) don't pick her up just because she's bored. Rather, find another way to respond. Also (Kathryn) don't avoid eye contact because you know she will flip when she sees you looking. Find another way to respond. Look at her! She needs to know you SEE her, love her, are aware of her. And when the "hold me" wailing starts, don't continue your "I don't see or hear you" facade...find another way to respond.

Scott, the one with the backbone, is good at setting what the literature calls "limits" and finding other ways of responding within those limits. For example: We don't feed Annie between the hours of 8PM and 6AM. Instead of rescuing baby from the crib and feeding her in the middle of the night, he'll wait for an appropriate amount of time, then wrap her up, sing to her, and pat her tummy. Good responding choice, Scott.

Setting limits (especially one's you set in non-emotionally charged moments) can help you plan ahead of time for appropriate non-spoiling responses. Such as...

• Calm, soothing sounds and words

• Distract and play with toys rather than picking up or feeding

• Rub back or tummy

• Talk to them

• Sing

• Listening to music

• Take them outside

• Get them playing with other kids

• Snuggling

• Play with him or her

There's surely more-so get creative! I told you I'm not the baby expert here.

TAKE AWAY: Set limits and find another way to respond.

4. Honesty is the Best Policy:

Let's have a moment of #TRUTH ladies: I think we instinctively KNOW when we are being over-indulgent, though we may hesitate to admit it to ourselves. We know what "giving-in" and "over-doing" it feels like, even though it looks different in each home, with each child, and at each stage of development. There's a feeling associated with that interaction where we subconsciously know that we are appeasing a child because it's easy for them and for us, and not truly helpful for either. Take the higher and harder road, ladies (and self)! It's better for EVERYONE in the long-run. So take an honest look at yourself! (Probably best to do so when baby is asleep so you're thinking like a normal human being)

TAKE AWAY: Be HONEST with yourself!

You know when you're "giving in"

Here's another #TRUTH though. As clean and clear as these scientific suggestions are, life is MESSY! Parenting is EMOTIONAL, not scientific. What may be "spoiling" one day might be the perfect "response" the next day. So I think we need a healthy mixture of honest self-reflection, well-thought out and researched ideas, and motherly instinct. And if that's not working...

5. LET THEIR DEVELOPMENT BE YOUR GUIDE

What do they need developmentally? Do they need to learn to sleep through the night, by THEMSELVES? Don't rescue them out of their crib at 2:30. Do they need to learn how to self-soothe? Let them cry alone for a while. Do they need to learn how to self-entertain? To learn how to be patient? As they get older...do they need to learn gratitude, how to share, moderation in spending, self-control, how to use technology purposefully...? Depending on where your child is developmentally, discomfort may be EXACTLY what they need to learn and grow into an independent, capable, decent human being.

TAKE AWAY: Let their DEVELOPMENT be your guide

(not your, or their, comfort)

While this long post is absolutely for me, myself, and I...I selfishly hope there are other moms out there who have had similar feelings, just so that I'm not the only one who has unwittingly spoiled my child. While Annie is by no means spoiled rotten or even "over-ripe" spoiled (get it?), I'm taking an honest look at myself as a mom and realizing I can do better. And though it's going to be an uncomfortable few nights, I know she needs a little tough love as much as I do. Cheerio, Petunia Dursley.

**Since writing this post Annie has successfully slept through the ENTIRE night for the first time ever. EVER! And then subsequently woke up 3-4 times the next night due to teething pain. We're a work in progress. Welcome to Motherhood**

(1) University of Minnesota Center for Early Education and Development

(2) "Can You Spoil a Baby?" www.parents.com

#Spoiling #Spoiledbaby #CanIspoilmybaby #Truth #Development #Communication #Respond