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Confessions of an Unsatisfied Mom

  • Writer: Kathryn Porter
    Kathryn Porter
  • Mar 3, 2017
  • 5 min read

Confession time: I WANT to work again.

I can already hear the "You Go Girl!" and the "...But what about BABY!?!?" cries coming through the screen. Let's just throw our mommy-opinions and mantras out the window because, as it's likely happened to you in the past, I'm in the middle of eating my own words and I'm trying to regroup here.

All my life I knew I wanted to be a mom. Growing up, I loved having my mom home with us all the time--she was the sun and the fun of our lives. From a young age I was taught that being a homemaker wasn't just a side job, it's a calling--that I should never feel inferior for being "just a mom" if that is what I chose to do. I chose it, and I love it.

I was also taught to develop my talents, to gain an education, and follow my dreams. So I did. I worked on my mediocre talents..some more than others... (call me to be the Ward pianist and you WILL regret it. Sorry mom.) I dove into my education and still CRAVE learning. I developed hopes and dreams of professional success.

And now I'm caught between two dreams. The "Mom Dream" and the "Leave-my-Mark-on-the-World Dream."

I didn't expect this. When I finally got pregnant I could hardly wait to quit my job and just stay home with baby 24/7. Bring on the yoga pants and 5PM showers! Bring on the sticky faces and Cheerios! Bring on the "Mom Dream!"

And for the first few months, it WAS a dream. A hard but happy dream took me to the max of my capabilities. I didn't mind that my days were slower, repetitive, quiet. I didn't mind staying in my sweats till noon and having my schedule completely controlled by a tiny human. I was being stretched and I felt full.

Well, about a month ago, or longer...it's been creeping up so gradually it's hard to say...I started feeling not so full. My HEART is full--Annie fills me up everyday with her smiles and silly faces and snuggles. But there's this other part of me that is aching for something more. Or maybe I just look around at friends, acquaintances, and every Momtrepreneur in Utah Valley and feel like I'm falling behind. I've impulsively picked up every creative side project that's come my way. I've started two side jobs to keep my brain busy. I've pushed to have more of a routine--which is promptly rearranged each day thanks to Tiny Human. I just have this hunger for creative expression and intellectual stimulation. A thirst to DO, create, accomplish. I'm starting to understand why some moms WANT to go back to work after baby. There's something fulfilling about uninterrupted DOING time and ACCOMPLISHING something.

I told you--caught between two dreams.

Whether you are a "stay-at-home-and-LOVING-IT" mom or Full-time working mom--I get you! There are so many different situations and personalities and needs that there's not one "right way" here. But am I doing it the right way for me? For my family? I should count myself lucky that I have the luxury of being able to stay home with Annie if that's my choice. AND...here comes the self-inflicted guilt trip...Shouldn't I just be GRATEFUL?! Shouldn't I be satisfied?

Shouldn't I just want to watch this face ALL DAY EVERY DAY!? Ok sometimes I do...

This brings me to my big question:

What is the right balance of satisfaction and dissatisfaction with one's own life? And more specifically, am I off-base to be feeling unfulfilled as a mother?

Lets break it down.

1) If we have divine heritage and limitless potential (which I believe, as children of God, we do), and... 2) If we are living out God's plan of progression (which includes an innate drive to become more than we are now), then... 3) Isn't it natural to feel unsatisfied with our current state? So: Not off-base! Don't settle! Chase your dreams, Kathryn!

Yet...as children of God so richly endowed with divine gifts and temporal blessings, shouldn't we "live in THANKSGIVING daily" as the scriptures teach us? And "Not run faster than we have strength"? So: Be at peace! You are doing great things, even if they seem small.

How can I be grateful and satisfied with the current state of my life but be ever-driven to a higher way of life? What is the balance here?!

As I've been studying the scriptures this week I've found some answers: (Links below!)

Truth #1: We have great potential and we should chase it.

Truth #2: Being a mother is a divine role. And one of the GREATEST marks I can make in the world IS my children.

The Balance:

If the voice in your head is saying you need to do more because you're not enough, you're listening to the wrong voice. Rather, listen to the voice that whispers: "You CAN do more because you ARE enough."

One voice will drag you away from what's most important, and the other will gently remind you of your gifts, your divine heritage, and your influence for good. That still small voice will lead you, with your loved ones, to your greatest potential. The two truths mentioned above do not have to be mutually exclusive. In fact, my guess is that we'll find greater happiness as we chase BOTH dreams--"The Mom" and "The Mark" dreams--at the right time in the right way.

In a nutshell: if something like "keeping up with the Momtrepreneurs" is the motivation behind my quest for fulfillment...maybe I'm doing it for the wrong reasons. I'll end up compromising, not complementing, my divine calling as a mother. However, if I am focused on being the best mom I can be in my set of circumstances, and then feel that little nudge telling me there is more I can do for my family and for others...then rise to the call! Or at least, as Henry B. Eyring says: "Be ready when the call comes." You don't need to do it all, but maybe you can do more. Because you ARE enough.

I'm feeling that nudging, and this full-time home-making, yoga pants wearing, sticky face kissing mama is ready for some dream chasing.

Some links if you want to study for yourself!


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