Filling your Bucket

Mom life can be draining. "Well--DUH!" you say. I know, I know. I was just asking for it when I decided to bring a tiny human into my life. Even though I had a theoretical idea of the demands of mommyhood, the reality is finally kicking in. This applies to the wonderful as well as the difficult realities. Yes the lack of sleep, the lack of control over my own schedule, and the never lack of diapers and spit up is more exhausting than I realized. But our midnight snuggles, her giggles and babblings, and that cute little naked bum when she's getting a bath--they slay me! Sometimes I think my heart will burst in happiness.

It's exhausting! It's a suped-up emotional roller coaster bedazzled in cheerios poop stains. And on top of that I'm constantly scrutinizing, wondering if I'm even riding this thing right.

This last week a friend of mine who is expecting her first child asked me: "What is the hardest change you've experienced in becoming a mom?" I gave her an off-the-cuff answer about sleep, or the lack thereof, and nursing, and the ever-changing hard things. But that wasn't really it. After pondering her question more deeply I found the true answer.

The constancy.

Having a baby isn't like picking up a new project or starting a new job. Once you have a baby, that's it, your life will truly never be the same again. You will forever have another persons survival, or at least their well-being, on your hands. And it's constant. You can't put it down or take a break or step away for a few days, or hours, or minutes. Little things like going to the bathroom, taking a shower, exercising, driving in the car, slicing an apple, writing an e-mail.... ALL OF THE THINGS will never be the same agin. You're either one-handed, or blazing through it as fast as you can, or only half-focusing because she's taking up the other half of your brain.

"Well, get a sitter or do the daycare thing." Yes those can help. However, even when you do have a babysitter and get a few precious hours of alone time, you WILL think about your baby at some point...or maybe the WHOLE TIME if you're a rookie mom like me. You may get several hours of work done or errands run, but your attention will be divided. Maybe you'll check-in, or race home, or worry about her driving your sitter crazy, or ache because you miss her already.

The fact of the matter is, your life has fundamentally changed and that change is constant. That's what's exhausting. Especially when you're in the phase where sleep isn't a respite, but rather a weird twisted game of "Chicken" and baby wins every time.

Before I scare you all away from ever having a child PLEASE understand that this constancy is not necessarily unwelcome. Being a mom is another testament to the truth that the best things are often the hardest. I LOVE being a mom. SO much. Even though there's plenty of hassle, I love having my buddy with me when I go out. Even though it's inconvenient, I love that she's right there waiting for me when I get out of the shower. Even though it's exhausting, I love that I can calm her when she's upset at 2 AM. (At least after she's calm and peaceful that's how I feel). There are days that leave me spent and even irritated (thank goodness for daddy coming home) and days that fill me up with all of the best mommy-feels. And then there's the "Pull my hair out, but your the best thing that ever happened to me" bi-polar days. Wild bedazzled roller-coaster, remember?

In my search for recapturing my sanity in all of these ups and downs I've discovered a key part of the process:

Fill your bucket.

As a new mom, I'm currently restructuring my "normal" and I'm learning how important it is to include "Filling My Bucket" in that normal. While I can't always control my schedule or how much I get accomplished in a day--I can make sure my bucket gets filled in some way every day.

So, how do you fill your bucket? Well what makes you feel happy, or fulfilled, or accomplished, or "filled up?" Those are the things that fill your bucket. Here's the secret though: as a mom some of those fulfilling things might be different from your pre-mommy days. Instead of fighting it, or feeling dejected if you don't achieve your past "normal," allow yourself to embrace the new fulfillments of mommyhood.

Here's some things that filled my bucket this past week:

• I went on a run! And while pushing the stroller slowed me down, it only made me stronger and gave Annie a nice nap. Double score!!

• Caught up with several old friends

• Annie and I took a nap together. Every day. Waste of time? More like mommy indulging moment.

• I went to bed ridiculously early one night...and got up 3 or 4 times later on...but the early part was really nice

• Worked out every day--not as much as I wanted to, but still fit it in

• Read a couple of fun books while Annie slept or played

• Daddy coming home

• Had a couple of meaningful scripture studies. Not the typical sit-down and dig-in sort, but studying in snippets throughout the day made my whole day better

• I went to the temple and took family names. I wasn't there for more than half-an-hour, but the feeling of peace and rightness that filled me as I walked out was exactly what I needed

• Babbling back and forth with Annie

• Talking with Scott too and from work

• Cleaned my room...most of the days. Still working on the kitchen sink but hey, the room filled my bucket so it counts.

• Watching Annie develop--getting up on her knees, reaching for me, clicking her tongue...

• Worked on submitting my children stories. It's taking me longer than I wanted and planned, but I took some steps forward this week. Bucket filled.

• Snuggling with my hubby

• Annie's "I Love You Mom" smiles that melt my heart

I read this list and I think: Man, I lead a really simple life. A small life compared to many. But then I remember that this is "what God gave us time for." So instead I'll look at this list like a gratitude journal, and remember that life IS good.

On those days when I feel like I haven't gotten a thing done, when my bucket has a hole in it and anything I put in drains right out, I remind myself of something Scott told me: "If all you do is take care of Annie, it was a good day." And the hole in my bucket fills in real quick.

So all of you fellow exhausted parents out there, who are buckling under the weight of the CONSTANCY of parenthood (me...like every day)... You are not alone. You are doing a good job. Keep filling in that bucket. Remember that the hardest things really are the best things. And the best, most filling things we can put in our bucket are the very "beings", those tiny little humans, that made us need a bucket in the first place.

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#FillYourBucket